The New Vatican

Opening Argument

The Pope has proposed that all corrupt Catholics and those belonging to the mafia should be ex-communicated. That will, of course, mean that the Vatican will have no personnel.

Perhaps some fun-loving Catholics (a bit of an oxymoron) can get together and turn the Vatican into an amusement theme park. No need to change the name since “The Vatican” has always been a barrel of laughs, but what attractions could there be in such a park? 

Upon entering the gate, visitors buy not tickets, but “indulgences” for the rides.

The Fairies Wheel: It doesn’t exist of course.The attendant is an unprepossessing woman dressed from head to toe and seems to have chewed on some very unripe lemons. Whenever someone exclaims, “there’s nothing here” she wallops them over the knuckles with a wooden ruler.

The Holy Ghost Train: Right at the beginning of the ride in the dark tunnel some ex-priests jump out and scare the passengers by groping them. Nobody can complain at the end of the ride since the alleged actions took place too long ago.

Daily Bread Cafe: This is an easy one. All the caterers need to stock are 5 loaves of bread and 2 fish for every 5000 visitors and enough cherry aide to fill a thimble-full each.

Virgin Mary-Go-Round: Goes around in circles without actually getting anywhere. The kids get very dizzy so it’s easy to put all those lovely Catholic thoughts in their minds.

Giant Octopus Ride: Fondles 8 kids at once.

The Shooting Gallery: Step right up and shoot at the moving targets of Gays, Protestants, Muslims and unmarried mothers. For a perfect round you get to select anything from the top shelf, a choice of a cuddly “Adolf” stuffed toy or a “Pope on a stick” (no prizes for guessing where the stick is poked into). For a lesser score, you get to choose from the “bottom shelf” which is……, well………..

……..which segues to The Kissing Booth: No blue-eyed beauty here, just one brown eye.

The Roller Coaster: Save the best ride for last, there are plenty of ups and downs on this one. In fact, the “downs” are three times longer than the “ups”. At the end of the ride, those with enough indulgences go in a lift up to an amazing bar with a live kick-butt blues-rock band playing full time, there’s every type of beer and a Jack Daniels fountain. There are long-legged ladies with real short cut-off jean shorts playing pool. 

Those with no indulgences left, walk downstairs into a really hot room where a Taylor Swift song is played permanently on loop through a distorted mono speaker. There is a water tap but it only has one drop of water, constantly trying to squeeze out.

What a lovely day out for every self-indulgent Catholic.


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Status: Open Debate


  • The Vatican needs to be preserved with its usual traditional feel.
    DebateIslander and a lover. 
  • WowsilWowsil 14 Pts
    The Vatican needs to be preserved with its usual traditional feel.
    Do you mean the Vatican's usual feel of corruption, deception, and abuse?
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