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In this Debate
How catering to victimhood destroys people's lives
Debate Information
One of my biggest issues in life up until my early 20-s was a heavily debilitating condition called "social anxiety". While in my case it was not as pronounced as in case of some of the other sufferers, and I was able to receive a high quality education and ultimately to move to the country of my dreams - it certainly impacted my life in a very negative way. My social development lagged behind the majority of people, and loneliness was my companion for a long time. It did not help that my views on most topics have always been controversial in the eyes of every society I have lived in.
What helped me defeat that beast once and for all was, I believe, two things:
1. The way my parents raised me.
2. My dedication to the principle of individual responsibility they instilled in me.
My parents have taught me one central idea from a very early age: that every individual is a master of their own fate. We are all different, they told me; we all have different initial conditions. Some of us are born poor. Some are porn with various mental or physical disorders. Some are born in horrible totalitarian dictatorships. Some become a victim of crime early on.
The only way to succeed in life, they said, was to take your personal situation for what it is and see how you can improve it. Instead of wailing in self-pity and expecting other people to relive you of distress, either through financial support, or by letting you cry on their shoulder - you must grab your fate by the neck and drag it to where you want it to be, no matter how hard it is.
As difficult and painful as it was to live with social anxiety, I knew from the beginning that there was only one way I was going to deal with it: by fighting my own war against it, no matter what it takes, and winning. As such, I studied a lot of psychological books, partook in certain sports or art activities, forced myself to go and expose myself to social encounters. And I worked hard to condition my mind to replace my negative thinking patterns with positive ones.
It took a while, but eventually I found the thinking patterns that worked for me and not against me, and I developed them. By the time I was around 25, any remains of my anxiety had been purged, and I was able to live a full life, and even more.
My father had a friend who lost his arms due to an accident in his childhood. He dealt with far bigger problems than me, obviously, but he never let his condition debilitate him. He lived a life most people would envy, was always a center of attention, achieved a tremendous success on the national musical stage (he played drums while being armless, believe it or not).
A reporter once asked him, "What do you hate the most about people?" And he said, "There is nothing more frustrating than people pitying me for my lack of arms. I do not want pity. Pity destroys people."
---
I strongly believe that my refusal to be a victim and constant focus on achieving a result, rather than complaining about my current state, is to thank for all of my successes in life. I used to be a nervous wreck, and I became a whole person by never giving in to self-pity and always pushing my comfort zone forward.
But while studying psychology trying to find a way to win over my disorder, I found that a lot of psychologists practiced a different approach. They advocated for a defeatist attitude, promoting advice such as:
"Learn to live with your condition and enjoy minor things."
"Befriend people who can comfort you when you feel down."
"Accept that your condition is permanent and change your attitude towards it."
I have watched a few videos online of appointments with psychologists people with anxiety disorders would have, and those were truly painful to watch, as they essentially were rendered pity parties, with the psychologist treating the patient with a condescending and patronising attitude, trying to comfort them, let them wail while talking about their issues. At the end of the appointments, the patients would look even more devastated than before it. And, indeed, it was hard to expect a different outcome, when the doctors essentially reinforced the defeatist attitude the patients had.
Every single victory over personal challenges in life I have ever heard of was a result of either the individual pushing hard against their demons and forcing themselves out of their comfort zone, or someone else pushing them hard to change, and not letting them give any excuses, not allowing them to hold back.
I have never heard of a single person succeeding in life as a result of people comforting them and shifting their responsibility for change towards someone else.
In contrary, the attitude of blaming everyone around for mistreating the person has always had the effect of the person giving up on their lives. If everyone is mistreating them, then they cannot do anything about it, since other people's behavior cannot be changed, right?
As such, in the interaction with people who I care about I have always exercised the "tough love" approach. When my friend, or my relative, or (hypothetically) my loved one would have issues in life, I would not cry on their shoulder. Instead, I would take a hard line approach, telling them what they need to do to fix their issues, and taking no excuses from them. Such an attitude broke several friendships I had, but I have never been apologetic for it: ultimately, I believe that my actions benefited those people, even if they never realised that, and I am proud of it.
---
In light of this, what I would like to point out is what I see as a systematic problem in the modern Western societies. They are forgetting the concept of "tough love". They indulge in pity parties and encourage people to feel like victims, either of their natural circumstances, or of other people's actions. As a result, people grow to be emotionally weak, individually irresponsible, mentally undeveloped, psychologically unhardened.
According to the statistics, anti-depression pill consumption in the US, for example, is the highest in history nowadays. Do these pills solve people's problems? Of course not. You cannot address your depression by taking a pill and forgetting about it, you can only address it by finding its source and dealing with it.
Had I been raised in a modern Western nation in a family practicing this attitude, I believe I would still have social anxiety and be a wreck of a person. No one would have explained to me how to take my fate in my own hands. I would look around and find a lot of factors and people to blame for my condition. I would call them "privileged" and expect someone to force them to share their privilege with me. I would cry all day about how much my life sucks, pardon the language. I would never have serious ambitions, and my achievements would be null.
My concern is that hundreds millions people on the West, to various degrees, are suffering horribly because of how poorly they were conditioned by their families and societies. Many people laugh when some college kid yells about "mansplaining" or "white privilege". I used to laugh as well, but I no longer do. I see a reflection of my past in their feelings, and it saddens me deeply that no one has ever taught them how to deal with those feelings, rather than surrender to them, putting a cross on their future.
---
Do we want to encourage these trends? Do we want to treat every personal issue one has as someone or something else's fault? Do we want to tell little black kids living in ghettos that they are doomed to live a miserable life because evil white men decades ago oppressed them?
Or are we going to reverse the trends and start telling people what they can do about their situations, about taking responsibility for them and solving them through hard work?
It seems to me that, if things keep developing as they are currently, then in a few decades most people will have debilitating anxieties, sometimes multiple ones at the same time. And there will be few people able to help them, while they surely are not going to help themselves, because no one has ever taught them how to do so.
When someone says something offensive, should the person become offended, other people comforting them and making it look like what was said constituted the worst thing ever to happen to a sentient being in this Universe?
Or should the person shrug and move on, with people fist-bumping them and ignoring the petty statement, depriving its perpetuator of the attention they are seeking?
---
It is my desire, as a side project, to eventually open up a university group in which I will teach people with problems how to stay strong, how to not let their environment poison their minds with self-defeating thought patterns, how to persevere and how to punch the pity parties in the face, figuratively speaking. But I am only one person, and I can only help, at best, a few dozen people. My project is unlikely to change the international trends on the West.
At the same time, I believe that talking about these things publicly can, over time, shift the collective consciousness. We must make people aware of the consequences of indulging their insecurities and encouraging each other to do so. This is not about simple ability to take an offence well, no. This is about the ability to be in control of one's life. This ability is absolutely crucial for the individual happiness, and we must all encourage its development. I believe that people are able to embrace these concepts, as soon as their importance becomes a popular discussion topic.
I have a dream: that we will one day live in a nation where people are judged by the strength of their character, rather than by their circumstances. I want to live in a world that respects Nick Vujicic for the success he has achieved in life, rather than that pities him for his lack of limbs. And the first step towards building that world is to stop encouraging people's victimhood mentality, and to start encouraging them to rise above their insecurities and to purge the insecurities into the pits of hell.
Me refusing to be a victim effectively saved my life. I hope that it saves millions more lives within my lifetime, and I will try my best to make it happen.
What helped me defeat that beast once and for all was, I believe, two things:
1. The way my parents raised me.
2. My dedication to the principle of individual responsibility they instilled in me.
My parents have taught me one central idea from a very early age: that every individual is a master of their own fate. We are all different, they told me; we all have different initial conditions. Some of us are born poor. Some are porn with various mental or physical disorders. Some are born in horrible totalitarian dictatorships. Some become a victim of crime early on.
The only way to succeed in life, they said, was to take your personal situation for what it is and see how you can improve it. Instead of wailing in self-pity and expecting other people to relive you of distress, either through financial support, or by letting you cry on their shoulder - you must grab your fate by the neck and drag it to where you want it to be, no matter how hard it is.
As difficult and painful as it was to live with social anxiety, I knew from the beginning that there was only one way I was going to deal with it: by fighting my own war against it, no matter what it takes, and winning. As such, I studied a lot of psychological books, partook in certain sports or art activities, forced myself to go and expose myself to social encounters. And I worked hard to condition my mind to replace my negative thinking patterns with positive ones.
It took a while, but eventually I found the thinking patterns that worked for me and not against me, and I developed them. By the time I was around 25, any remains of my anxiety had been purged, and I was able to live a full life, and even more.
My father had a friend who lost his arms due to an accident in his childhood. He dealt with far bigger problems than me, obviously, but he never let his condition debilitate him. He lived a life most people would envy, was always a center of attention, achieved a tremendous success on the national musical stage (he played drums while being armless, believe it or not).
A reporter once asked him, "What do you hate the most about people?" And he said, "There is nothing more frustrating than people pitying me for my lack of arms. I do not want pity. Pity destroys people."
---
I strongly believe that my refusal to be a victim and constant focus on achieving a result, rather than complaining about my current state, is to thank for all of my successes in life. I used to be a nervous wreck, and I became a whole person by never giving in to self-pity and always pushing my comfort zone forward.
But while studying psychology trying to find a way to win over my disorder, I found that a lot of psychologists practiced a different approach. They advocated for a defeatist attitude, promoting advice such as:
"Learn to live with your condition and enjoy minor things."
"Befriend people who can comfort you when you feel down."
"Accept that your condition is permanent and change your attitude towards it."
I have watched a few videos online of appointments with psychologists people with anxiety disorders would have, and those were truly painful to watch, as they essentially were rendered pity parties, with the psychologist treating the patient with a condescending and patronising attitude, trying to comfort them, let them wail while talking about their issues. At the end of the appointments, the patients would look even more devastated than before it. And, indeed, it was hard to expect a different outcome, when the doctors essentially reinforced the defeatist attitude the patients had.
Every single victory over personal challenges in life I have ever heard of was a result of either the individual pushing hard against their demons and forcing themselves out of their comfort zone, or someone else pushing them hard to change, and not letting them give any excuses, not allowing them to hold back.
I have never heard of a single person succeeding in life as a result of people comforting them and shifting their responsibility for change towards someone else.
In contrary, the attitude of blaming everyone around for mistreating the person has always had the effect of the person giving up on their lives. If everyone is mistreating them, then they cannot do anything about it, since other people's behavior cannot be changed, right?
As such, in the interaction with people who I care about I have always exercised the "tough love" approach. When my friend, or my relative, or (hypothetically) my loved one would have issues in life, I would not cry on their shoulder. Instead, I would take a hard line approach, telling them what they need to do to fix their issues, and taking no excuses from them. Such an attitude broke several friendships I had, but I have never been apologetic for it: ultimately, I believe that my actions benefited those people, even if they never realised that, and I am proud of it.
---
In light of this, what I would like to point out is what I see as a systematic problem in the modern Western societies. They are forgetting the concept of "tough love". They indulge in pity parties and encourage people to feel like victims, either of their natural circumstances, or of other people's actions. As a result, people grow to be emotionally weak, individually irresponsible, mentally undeveloped, psychologically unhardened.
According to the statistics, anti-depression pill consumption in the US, for example, is the highest in history nowadays. Do these pills solve people's problems? Of course not. You cannot address your depression by taking a pill and forgetting about it, you can only address it by finding its source and dealing with it.
Had I been raised in a modern Western nation in a family practicing this attitude, I believe I would still have social anxiety and be a wreck of a person. No one would have explained to me how to take my fate in my own hands. I would look around and find a lot of factors and people to blame for my condition. I would call them "privileged" and expect someone to force them to share their privilege with me. I would cry all day about how much my life sucks, pardon the language. I would never have serious ambitions, and my achievements would be null.
My concern is that hundreds millions people on the West, to various degrees, are suffering horribly because of how poorly they were conditioned by their families and societies. Many people laugh when some college kid yells about "mansplaining" or "white privilege". I used to laugh as well, but I no longer do. I see a reflection of my past in their feelings, and it saddens me deeply that no one has ever taught them how to deal with those feelings, rather than surrender to them, putting a cross on their future.
---
Do we want to encourage these trends? Do we want to treat every personal issue one has as someone or something else's fault? Do we want to tell little black kids living in ghettos that they are doomed to live a miserable life because evil white men decades ago oppressed them?
Or are we going to reverse the trends and start telling people what they can do about their situations, about taking responsibility for them and solving them through hard work?
It seems to me that, if things keep developing as they are currently, then in a few decades most people will have debilitating anxieties, sometimes multiple ones at the same time. And there will be few people able to help them, while they surely are not going to help themselves, because no one has ever taught them how to do so.
When someone says something offensive, should the person become offended, other people comforting them and making it look like what was said constituted the worst thing ever to happen to a sentient being in this Universe?
Or should the person shrug and move on, with people fist-bumping them and ignoring the petty statement, depriving its perpetuator of the attention they are seeking?
---
It is my desire, as a side project, to eventually open up a university group in which I will teach people with problems how to stay strong, how to not let their environment poison their minds with self-defeating thought patterns, how to persevere and how to punch the pity parties in the face, figuratively speaking. But I am only one person, and I can only help, at best, a few dozen people. My project is unlikely to change the international trends on the West.
At the same time, I believe that talking about these things publicly can, over time, shift the collective consciousness. We must make people aware of the consequences of indulging their insecurities and encouraging each other to do so. This is not about simple ability to take an offence well, no. This is about the ability to be in control of one's life. This ability is absolutely crucial for the individual happiness, and we must all encourage its development. I believe that people are able to embrace these concepts, as soon as their importance becomes a popular discussion topic.
I have a dream: that we will one day live in a nation where people are judged by the strength of their character, rather than by their circumstances. I want to live in a world that respects Nick Vujicic for the success he has achieved in life, rather than that pities him for his lack of limbs. And the first step towards building that world is to stop encouraging people's victimhood mentality, and to start encouraging them to rise above their insecurities and to purge the insecurities into the pits of hell.
Me refusing to be a victim effectively saved my life. I hope that it saves millions more lives within my lifetime, and I will try my best to make it happen.
Post Argument Now Debate Details +
Arguments
Considerate: 89%
Substantial: 100%
Spelling & Grammar: 98%
Sentiment: Negative
Avg. Grade Level: 10.7
Sources: 0
Entity Sentiment Detection: victim mentality results past events past results command of the circumstances
Relevant (Beta): 95%
Learn More About Debra
Very well put. I would also add that the victim mentality is very attractive, because it creates a certain sense of comfort. People usually feel good talking about their problems and bathing in their suffering, because in that way they feel protected from the outside world.
It is a very strange paradox: people do not want to suffer, but focusing on their suffering makes them feel good in a strange way. I have never fully understood this phenomenon, but I have heard from a lot of people that feeling hurt creates certain pleasant sensations in them. As a consequence, people become addicted to their suffering, making breaking up with it much harder than it could be.
Emerging from this state of suffering requires a lot of bravery and strength, and cultivating these is what, I believe, the society should do in order for the individuals in it to be happy. It does not mean that the society must be harsh and ruthless, and there is obviously a place for comforting others - but that comforting should be done in an empowering way, not in a coddling way.
There is a lot of talking nowadays about "fat acceptance", which, in my opinion, should be replaced with "fat support". People who have weight issues must not be told that they have no issues. They should be supported in their desire to change their lifestyle in order to combat their issues, or, in the lack of such desire, encouraged to gain it.
Considerate: 93%
Substantial: 99%
Spelling & Grammar: 96%
Sentiment: Positive
Avg. Grade Level: 11.82
Sources: 0
Relevant (Beta): 97%
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Considerate: 88%
Substantial: 14%
Spelling & Grammar: 75%
Sentiment: Neutral
Avg. Grade Level: 4.7
Sources: 0
Entity Sentiment Detection: real victims
Relevant (Beta): 99%
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My oldest granddaughter lost her mother and 3 year old brother along with her mother's boyfriend on Christmas Day over 2 years ago now when she was 5. She went through counseling and we encourage her talking when she wants to. But when she started school, everyone knew about who she was and what had happened as it had been a big news story around here. Everyone started the "bless her heart" looks and allowed her to basically do as she pleased. I made it clear to everyone there that we did not want her to be considered a perpetual victim. That was kndergarten and then 1st grade came along and it actually got worse because, even though she is a good child, she is smart enough to learn how to get out of something that she doesn't want to do by playing the victim card with her teacher. One day she managed to get out of her math and reading work because she was "sad and thinking about my momma". They live with us and I was furious that a teacher would allow that. There is a counselor in school and she has a personal one I can contact as well but she did not need that. She just did not want to do her math.
Education is very important and kids learn a lot at a very young age. The final straw was receiving a folder of about 25 incomplete worksheets that had accumulated in her desk that she did not want to do and was not made to do. Because she was treated with that victim mentality, she was not receiving the education that is crucial and she learned manipulation in the process. She is home schooled now and she has improved incredibly. Hopefully she can go back as a 2nd grader and be treated as everyone else.
Victimization is never healthy and it does nothing for the person who is on the receiving end but make them feel weak and different. It certainly does not build character or help teach personal responsibility.
Considerate: 78%
Substantial: 85%
Spelling & Grammar: 94%
Sentiment: Positive
Avg. Grade Level: 9.84
Sources: 0
Relevant (Beta): 16%
Learn More About Debra
I definitely agree. I would say that many people "desire" to be perceived as victims, as a way to demonstrate how burdened their life is and what difficulties they went through. But most of all, the people who enjoy their victim mentality crave sympathy; in a way that it can become an addiction. And in most cases, their yearning for sympathy is received widely by other people. It creates that sense of comfort (as you've mentioned), and therefore, they wait for more sympathizers to acknowledge them, rather than fixing the problem themselves.
Considerate: 93%
Substantial: 99%
Spelling & Grammar: 96%
Sentiment: Positive
Avg. Grade Level: 11
Sources: 0
Relevant (Beta): 100%
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Considerate: 88%
Substantial: 86%
Spelling & Grammar: 94%
Sentiment: Neutral
Avg. Grade Level: 12.2
Sources: 5
Relevant (Beta): 85%
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Considerate: 67%
Substantial: 5%
Spelling & Grammar: 100%
Sentiment: Negative
Avg. Grade Level: 11.9
Sources: 0
Entity Sentiment Detection: civilizations
Relevant (Beta): 99%
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"Do we want to encourage these trends? Do we want to treat every personal issue one has as someone or something else's fault? Do we want to tell little black kids living in ghettos that they are doomed to live a miserable life because evil white men decades ago oppressed them?"
there are plenty who do want this, though they tend to be in or want to be in political office. The current pandering to the minorities is plain as day to this fact. Consider for a moment if there were no ghettos little to no attention given to those who play the victim, what could someone running for office offer a populace like that? Isn't the best way to get elected is making promises to make their lives better? What if their lives are already fairly good? What then? There are huge political benefits to have ghettos and those who play chronic victims. Politics is about power, power is easier to get and maintain over poor people imo.
Oh Lord, please don't let me be misunderstood"
The Animals
Considerate: 61%
Substantial: 93%
Spelling & Grammar: 94%
Sentiment: Negative
Avg. Grade Level: 8.88
Sources: 0
Relevant (Beta): 99%
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