The Truth About Religion

(Somewhere deep in suburbia is a church where a preacher is entering the pulpit to deliver a sermon after injecting himself with a liberal dose of sodium pentothal)

Preacher: Today, I am going to talk to you, not only about the truth but also, I will actually be speaking the truth.

Congregation: (?)

Preacher: First off, there is absolutely no such thing as God. The whole concept came about eons ago when the ruling class decided to take control of the profoundly scared and superstitious common folk.
And of course, there is no Heaven and Hell or an afterlife for that matter. That was just another tool to keep all you folk hooked into religion and do what we tell you.

Congregation: Gaaaaaaspppp!

Preacher: Yes, that is the truth. And all those atheists out there who have been telling you so are not Satanists. They are normal, sane, honest people trying their best to explain that you have all been deceived and told utter lies week after every goddammed week. So, I am going to take my life now..........

Congregation: Gaaaaaaaasppp!

Preacher: That's right. I'm taking my life........
........to a new, higher level and become an honest, law-abiding citizen and stop conning those who are weak and vulnerable into believing a bunch of lies in order to satisfy my egotistical penchant for exercising control over others.
Actually, I confess it all started in my adolescent years when I still had bed-wetting issues and my parents made me..................

Deluded Congregationalist 1: Okay that's it. I've had enough of this truth crap. I'm going to another church.

Deluded Congregationalist 2: Yeah, me too. He doesn't seem to get it. We actually want to listen to all that good ole time religion.